The Sock Thief

We have a thief in our midst. Or so I’ve heard. The other night after the kids were tucked in their beds (for the 14th time after needing fresh water and to pee and one more hug and 13 more books and the fan off [then on] and the door cracked – but just a little bit, and my social security number and at least one of my kidneys), my husband said, “I have ZERO socks to wear to the gym. All my socks are gone. GONE.” Implying that either the starving dryer ate them, I maliciously hid them, or someone literally broke into our home and bypassed the televisions, the good bourbon, and my purse collection and made a bee line straight for Tye’s sock drawer, taking every single last one. The nerve.

We had a separate incident a couple of weeks ago where the same thief stole Tye’s khaki colored golf hat but instead of taking it – he (or she) sneakily placed it on the khaki colored chair in the living room, a perfect chameleon, never to be found again. But alas, I apparently have the uncanny ability to track down missing items. I found the hat days before revealing its location – because the khaki colored chair sits to the right of the TV – at eye level – but my sweet husband truly could not see it – and I couldn’t bear to go another day witnessing him feign panic over the sudden missing golf hat.

This has become a regular occurrence in our marriage. Things seemingly disappear – and it’s my duty to track them down. The socks. The hat. Literally anything in the fridge. His wallet. His cellphone. And I’ve been somewhat comforted knowing that this is apparently a rather regular exercise among couples. It’s something that comes with marriage. Though no one tells you that while you’re teaching them to use the laundry bin correctly and replace the toilet paper roll, you’ll also become the sole responsible party for identifying the location of everything in the house.

While I’d like to prepare Piper to be the finder of things one day, I think I’ll shift my focus to Nash and teach him to successfully locate the milk before he graduates from high school. Adding that to my to-do list.

 

PS: I adore my husband and believe he is brilliant beyond all measure. I just don’t know why his eyes are broken.