15 days to slow the spread. Remember that? Fast forward 150-something days later and we’re all still inside wondering what day it is while we hide from one of “history’s deadliest pandemics” with a 99% recovery rate. Kirklands is selling Warm Vanilla Spice scented candles and the grocery stores have restocked the pumpkin pie creamer. So if you’re wondering, apparently it is fall – unless you go to Hobby Lobby. It’s already Christmas there.
In the meantime, we’re looting Gucci because we need bread (Okay, AOC). We’re de-funding the cops but are also butt hurt when the cops don’t show up and/or resign. Rapists are being set free because the rona spreads in prisons but apparently not at riots. We’re responding to senseless violence with an onslaught of (more) senseless violence. We’re protesting in-person against voting in-person. We have one of the heaviest hitters in sex trafficking in custody, yet our media is zeroed in on TikTok, the mispronunciation of Yosemite, the color and gender of Biden’s VP pick, NASCAR garage ropes, and Cardi B’s WAP video reminding women that you are, in fact, a thirst trap (but hey, don’t forget to be offended if you are, indeed, objectified). Pedophilia is considered a sexual orientation. Child porn gets a pass on Twitter. #SavetheChildren is banned on Facebook and Wayfair may or may not be involved in sex trafficking. What in the WORLD? I miss the days when we got upset about Starbucks holiday cups and the lack of straws in restaurants because we were saving dolphins and sea turtles.
That got dark and stormy fast. Sorry folks. Needless to say, these are stressful times. And if you’re like me, the minute your head hits the pillow, you start thinking about ALL THE THINGS. So thank goodness for OLLY sleep gummies and my ever-faithful mouth guard. We’ve been together for a decade. I’m a teeth grinder, and the guard saves us the expense of veneers down the road. Tye thinks it’s sexy (fake news). So every morning, I toss the battered guard into a plastic cup filled with cleaner to prepare it for another night of angsty deep thoughts.
Switching gears: Nash’s latest fascination is the toilet flush. He loves to flush. We’re toying with a little on-and-off potty training. He takes his diaper off every night and pees the bed. That’s been fun. Life hack to prevent diaper removal: Put the diaper on backwards. Life hack #2: Put a pull-up OVER the backwards diaper. Good luck getting that sucker off, buddy. So this morning, I’m getting dressed and I hear the infamous FLUSH coming from MY bathroom. I poked my head in and saw Nash standing at the toilet with the EMPTY mouth guard cup, beaming.
I said, “Nash… where did Mommy’s mouth guard go?” To which he replied, “FLUSH” with a proud pointer finger aimed at the potty.
I wanted to be mad but 30-seconds later he sweetly asked for a “M-nuh” (a banana) so all was forgiven. I truly believe God made toddlers undeniably adorable so their acts of terrorism would be met with gentle acceptance. Only a toddler can make demands all day, color your walls, eat all your snacks, watch you pee, pour juice on your furniture, reject the food you prepare, have total TV remote ownership, treat you like a chauffeur, and flush your mouth guard down the toilet and get to stay, rent free, in the house.
It’s going to be a long night. If anyone needs me, I’ll be Out Here Grindin’ (with DJ Khaled, Akon, Rick Ross, and Young Jeezy, Lil Boosie, Trick Daddy, Ace Hood and Plies).