Game of Porcelain Thrones

Remember in college when you’d be assigned a group project, and everyone would have an opinion, but no one wanted to do the work? Thankfully, there was always one person who ended up doing all the work on behalf of the mouthy group. That’s parenting. I didn’t realize that is what I was being prepared for. Bravo, college. We’ve come full circle.

Being a mom is like perpetually being stuck in a group project. Okay folks, let’s get into groups to discuss breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diapers vs. regular-pollute-the-earth diapers, cry it out method vs. hold your baby all through the night martyrdom, naps vs. no naps, best baby proofing methods so your baby doesn’t eat Tide Pods, which baby bathtub is the least drown-y, how to get your mom-bod to magically “bounce back” and somehow not let your baby get croup or e-coli in Gym Kids Care while you’re at spin class, and how to not drink an entire bottle of wine every single night because you can’t keep up with the Instagram moms in matching  family pajamas, making educational crafts, eating organic, sporting clean hair and clean houses on the reg.

And finally, let’s all gather round to discuss potty training.

Everyone can relax and sit back on this one because I have spent the last 334 days in the deepest trenches of research undergoing trial and error – desperately trying to debunk the mysteries of potty training with a loyal test subject – my headstrong three-year-old. Over the last 11 months, she’s been a product tester – determining the best training potty for toddlers, she’s consumed a vast amount of treat incentives for sitting on the pot. She’s received prizes, presents, trips to Target, trips to Starbucks, change from my wallet, stickers, verbal affirmation, celebratory dances, bribery and begging…all to no avail.

We tried the fool proof three-day-method, the walk around in no pants and clean pee off the couch, floor, fireplace, etc. method, the hide the diapers and quit cold turkey method, the “all your friends are wearing panties” shaming method. The list goes on.  All the while wringing our hands wondering WHY on earth our toddler won’t embrace the potty life (probably because she was formula fed…shame).  From family members to strangers – we’ve heard it all. Everyone has an opinion on when and how you should be potty trained – and that’s great. I want to keep a roll of gold star stickers or tiny trophies in my purse for every mom who is winning at this gig while I’m still toting diapers for my infant AND my toddler.

But we’ve had a breakthrough, and I can tell you now – I have finally discovered the secret to potty training. Ready for this? They give up diapers when they’re ready.

Five days ago, Piper woke up and told me she wanted to pee in the potty. She hasn’t had an accident since.  On Thursday, she pooped. I took a picture of it like a psycho and sent it to my husband. So freaking excited about a turd. Poor Tye. Sometimes he gets nudes. Sometimes he gets toddler turds. I like to keep him guessing. Parenting is weird like that. So I guess we’re done with diapers.

A small handful of women told me “wait until they’re ready” and I thought “yea, sure…” Even our pediatrician told us that the average age for girls is four. Mind blown… because the group project moms all supposedly had their babies potty trained on their way out of the birth canal.

Waiting worked for Piper – and it sure was a hell of a lot easier. No clean up. No bribery. Still lots of celebratory candy and gifts (because who doesn’t like sweets and presents!?). She picked out a plastic triceratops from Target for pooping. She named it “Poop dinosaur.” She takes it everywhere.

So if you have a toddler, or an infant, or a child in utero that’s already potty trained, I applaud you. But if you have a toddler like me, who is doing things his or her own way, it’s okay to wait until they’re ready. Unless of course, you enjoy cleaning pee off your furniture. We don’t have any adult friends who still pee their pants (as far as we know…), so obviously everyone figures it out eventually.

There is enough pressure when it comes to raising tiny humans. I’ll take any break I can get.  I wish we would’ve listened to the moms who suggested we wait and ignored the naysayers. We’ll wait with Nash. And when he’s ready to give up the diaper life, he’ll get a poop dinosaur too (and yes, Tye will get a turd photo).






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